Happy (early) birthday, America!

You’re one fine bitch.  You deserve to party balls-out, undergrad style. Who’s got the jello shots? Dibs on the pink ones. That is if you don’t mind, America. I can have all the pink ones?  Oh, America, you’re too nice.

Oh, and I forgive you for the past eight years.  I know you’ll make it up to me somehow. But let’s not get into this on your birthday. This is a day for celebration. Bust out the mitts for a game of catch. Dust off the lawn bowling set, and break out the beer pong table.

Let’s eat too much apple pie, too many hot dogs (good god, the euphemisms are endless, America. Thanks for allowing all of your signature dishes to have such a strong sexual undertone. You’re one classy broad.) and down a shit-ton of some good old American beer (I hope you understand the irony there, America).

You ready for your birthday present, America? Because I’ve been working on it a while. A lot of thought went into crafting the best effing birthday present you’ve ever seen. No, it’s way better than the raggity-ass flag that bitch Betsy Ross got you, or that ghey-ass song Frances Scott Key wrote for you.

My present?  A list of the 10 hottest bitches born and raised in this fine land — in no particular order.

Note:  open to amendments and suggestions.

God Bless America.

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In 24 hours (presumably), we will be the fuck out of Norman and into our my wife’s gorgeous new home in the historic neighborhood of nunya dam bizniss. But until then, I will likely keel over from exhaustion and seven pints of black Jack.

There is nothing worse than moving. Well, except for a rose bush enema. Or maybe three hours of CSPAN. Or a few other things in the world …

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HBO’s Band of Brothers is one of my all-time favorite mini series. Years ago I heard Tom Hanks and Steven Speilberg were teaming up again, but this time to recount the conflict in WWII’s pacific theater. Ironically, I was talking to someone about this last week and wondering when this series would arrive. HBO must have been tracking my brain waves (again), because they just released the first official trailer of “The Pacific.”

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Well, it was fun while it lasted. Despite a 2-0 first-half deficit, Brazil netted a trio of second-half goals to upend the U.S., 3-2, in the FIFA Confederations Cup Final Sunday in South Africa.

Tied at 2-2, Lucio added the match-winner in the 84th minute to help cap a three-score half. I’m no soccer expert, but the U.S. was playing with such confidence after Clint Dempsey (10th minute) and Landon Donovan (27th) notched a pair of first-half strikes. But it only took Brazil a minute to cut the lead in half as Luis Fabiano tallied the first of his two scores on the night.

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1) Any Given Sunday, Friday, 8 p.m., SpikeTV. This is a movie that I enjoy much more now than I did when it first came out. It just didn’t seem real in any capacity whatsoever. From a chick caring about football that much, to the fake team names, to LT damn near dying on the field as he gets a million dollar bonus, to Jamie Foxx becoming a legend for a game and a half worth of good quarterback play.

That being said, it is damn entertaining now. Probably because there are some good actors in the film. And there is some decent ass. Lauren Holly was NEVER this good looking. She plays a great MILF. And she has a great ass (see Dumb and Dumber).

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