Happy (early) birthday, America!
You’re one fine bitch. You deserve to party balls-out, undergrad style. Who’s got the jello shots? Dibs on the pink ones. That is if you don’t mind, America. I can have all the pink ones? Oh, America, you’re too nice.
Oh, and I forgive you for the past eight years. I know you’ll make it up to me somehow. But let’s not get into this on your birthday. This is a day for celebration. Bust out the mitts for a game of catch. Dust off the lawn bowling set, and break out the beer pong table.
Let’s eat too much apple pie, too many hot dogs (good god, the euphemisms are endless, America. Thanks for allowing all of your signature dishes to have such a strong sexual undertone. You’re one classy broad.) and down a shit-ton of some good old American beer (I hope you understand the irony there, America).
You ready for your birthday present, America? Because I’ve been working on it a while. A lot of thought went into crafting the best effing birthday present you’ve ever seen. No, it’s way better than the raggity-ass flag that bitch Betsy Ross got you, or that ghey-ass song Frances Scott Key wrote for you.
My present? A list of the 10 hottest bitches born and raised in this fine land — in no particular order.
Note: open to amendments and suggestions.
God Bless America.




