Eff You, FOX Sports Robot

FOX Sports Robot, I hope you short-circuit, melt and die! You’ve been around two damn long. Annoying people. Trying to act cool. Doing random-ass things that are suppose to tie into some holiday, corporate marketing gimmick or current event. I know I’m not the first to say this, but I’m tired of your act.

First, you pretend you’re stretching for the game. Doing high-steps or push-ups. Running in place. Warming up your robo-arm. And even as completely ridiculous all that may be, you’re starting to try to get clever … and failing miserably.

Thankfully, I’ve got plenty of documentation that I’m not alone in hating you. Bloggers. Celebrities. The barista at my Starbucks. Well, I’m not sure about him for sure, but I’m inclined to think he hates you too.

I wasn’t aware of this before this week, but apparently your robot name is Cleatus. The hell it is. Despite what many Hollywood script-writers claim, robots should only be called by a random collection of number, letters and symbols. See C-3PO, R2-D2 and T-1000, etc. Of course, if I ever have a robot, I’ll name him Guillermo. Or Steve.

Anyway, on New Year’s Day you were seen crouched over with an ice-pack on your head. Like there’s lots of Joe Six Packs out there going, “Ha, that robot is so awesome. He’s got a hangover from drinking too much Yuengling on NYE, too. He’s just like us!” Instead, everyone laughed at FOX’s truly pathetic attempt to be hip and cutting-edge. As much as ESPN annoys the ever-living fuck out of me, at least it’s not to this level.

During Sunday’s NFC Championship game between Arizona and Philadelphia, you were seen waving a checkered flag. Yeah, OK, I’m sure it’s some racing tie-in that I’m not aware, but this is an effin’ championship NFL game for the right to play in the Super Bowl. I mean, I think I’ve even seen you do “The Running Man.” You suck, FOX!

I’ve had this opinion for a long time. I usually vented to whomever I was watching the game with, so this is the first time I’ve made my hatred of you public. And because I’ve had this hatred boiling up inside for so long, I knew I couldn’t be alone. In fact, I discovered the perfectly named Facebook Group: I Hate the Fox Sports Robot. Excellent

More research unearthed thousands — really, likely millions — that feel the same. The Sports Hernia had a posting that pretty much sums up my feelings about you: Hey, FOX NFL Robot, Fuck you. Yup, that’s about how I feel.

And, the kicker just last week, Conan did a parody about your pathetic existence. At least his robot has a little game. Ya know, trying to break him off a piece when he can. You? You’ve got a big bag of nothing. Keep dancing, douchebag.

So, FOX Sports Robot, you can try to assimilate with we humans. But I’m not having it. You should be making me coffee, finishing my projects at work and servicing my fleet of luxury vehicles. And, I promise, at no time did I think some hot, futuristic sex-fembot would be plausible. Really, I didn’t. (Lies.)

Anyway, I feel a bit better. Have a good week. I’m off to try to figure out how to take down Skynet.