I was in a fine drinking establishment recently watching the NBA playoffs when one of my friends posed the following question:
At what age is it no longer appropriate to wear sports jerseys?
Looking around, I noticed we were adrift in a sea of jersey-clad fans of all drinking ages. But so what? They’re fans. Let them eat cake or wear jerseys or wear jerseys made of cake.
As long as it’s a game day, people of all ages can and should rock the jersey. And that’s my final ruling. (I was almost on Judge Judy once so I’m pretty sure that gives me judicial-esque powers.) After schooling, said friend on how to properly support your team, I started to think about other things that actually have an age limit. Or need one.
Here’s the breakdown:
Some clarifications:
– The maximum age graphed is 80, but you can get away with almost anything after that because nobody cares what you do. Besides, you can blame your rousing rendition of “We Didn’t Start The Fire” during bingo parlor karaoke Tuesday on dementia.
– Trick-or-treating should stop at 15, but costumes should continue until you die.
– The “Abercrombie” limit includes but is not limited to: shopping in, gainful employment at and trolling for skanks outside of .
– Photos (or video wink, wink) with someone wearing a sexy Santa outfit is tote acceptable until 45.
Also, the graph doesn’t include the age at which you have to stop hitting on your blog contributors because I’m not sure exactly how ancient Gravy and Monkey are. But yeah, it’d be that plus one.
Did I leave off any other important max age mandate? Do you agree or disagree with my numbers? Not that it makes me any less correct, but I’m curious.
14 Comments Received
April 22nd, 2009 @7:45 am
Kitten, you have so much to learn. There’s an oft-debated topic of men wearing sports jerseys. The “man-date” — see what I did there? — is that a man should not wear a jersey of a player younger than him. Let me explain.
1A) 45-year-old Bob Slidell should not wear jersey of 20-year-old Travis Lewis. Creepy. The bigger difference in age, the weirder it gets.
1B) Should person break 1A, they are likely wearing jorts and or a leather-braided belt.
2) 32-year-old Dirt Monkey can wear a throwback jersey of John Elway. Even though he doesn’t. And he better be at a game or in the private confines of his own man-cave.
3) Those baseball shirts with the club name on the front and the player’s name on the back are exempt. Not a jersey so you don’t look like a d-bag, but you can still support your favorite player.
April 22nd, 2009 @8:58 am
Someone needs to review these rules with that “Soonerman” guy. You know who I’m talking about, that 50+ year-old guy with the gray mullet and donning face paint with his OU game jerseys. He’s always with his teenage son and they somehow find their way into the student section. Surely everyone has seen them.
April 22nd, 2009 @9:13 am
Monkey, my graph was for all humans, not just dudes. And I think if an old man or old lady should choose to rock a jersey, that’d be adorable and I support them 100%.*
*provided there are shirts underneath
April 22nd, 2009 @9:36 am
Define old man. I think we need a sliding scale.
April 22nd, 2009 @9:38 am
You’re probably right. And maybe it’s not so much age as amount of grey hair. If it’s solid grey/white, they’re good to go. Salt and pepper could be on the cusp.
April 22nd, 2009 @11:02 am
“… but I’m curious.”
Bi-curious? Sorry, couldn’t resist.
April 22nd, 2009 @12:18 pm
You cannot wear a football / basketball jersey (even with a T-shirt) past the age of 30. You are required to transistion to a team polo.
There are two things that confirm you have failed in life if you are doing either of them past the age of 30: 1) Wearing a football jersey, or 2) Sitting in a beanbag chair.
April 22nd, 2009 @1:07 pm
I still contend that shirts like this are acceptable. As long as it’s not an actual jersey (e.g., basketball, baseball, football), I think you’re OK.
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41P9FeZrI7L._AA280_.jpg
April 22nd, 2009 @1:51 pm
I never would’ve guessed you dudes would be harsher critics of the jersey than me, a bonafide silently judgmental chick. Remind me never to bring up mandals.
April 22nd, 2009 @2:01 pm
That shirt is only acceptable sitting in this chair…
http://images.netshops.com/mgen/digimarc.ms?img=detail:CT020.jpg&h=1600&w=1600
April 22nd, 2009 @3:01 pm
Fuckin’ sweet bean-bag! Not that I have one, but I’ve never known somehow to hate the bean-bag chair. Seems it could have MANY useful qualities.
BTW, MK, mandals better not be flip-flops or I’m burning this whole fucker down.
April 22nd, 2009 @3:40 pm
Have you ever seen me NOT wearing flip flops? I wouldn’t do that to myself. Here is the correct definition of mandals:
(noun)-man sandal
a men’s summer shoe, that consists of black or brown leather that covers more than 50% of the foot, buckles and a thick sole. See http://www.zappos.com/n/p/dp/51792074/c/181718.html
April 22nd, 2009 @4:57 pm
Haha. I think Gravy’s guilty of that. I think he’s sported some mandals before.
April 22nd, 2009 @4:57 pm
Oh:
“Have you ever seen me NOT wearing flip flops?”
Well, that one time.
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