Ask A Ho: Saved By ‘Saved By The Bell’

My Red Dirt Pumpkins,

You may have seen this great piece of late night TV (no, not late-late night HBO/Skinamax; get your mind out of the gutter… that’s my job) floating around the interwebs.

Pure greatness.

This blast from the past via a 35-year-old actor reviving his teenage career peak reminded me of two important things that made the early ’90s make total and perfect sense.

1. I want to make out with Zach Morris’ face, and steal him away from that little prude Kelly Kapowski.

2. All life’s lessons can be learned by watching Saved By the Bell. The original, not the bullshit College Years, or when Screech creepily went back to Bayside to be butt-buddies with Belding. I can’t believe the Superintendent allowed that shit.

For those of you who weren’t as avid of a SBTB fan as I was — I had a mother-effing  SBTB trapper keeper — here are the Cliff Notes:

Lesson No. 1:  The good ones always go bad.

• Tiffany Amber Thiessen (aka Kelly Kapowski) went waaay slutty on 90210 after graduating from Bayside.

• Elizabeth Berkley (aka Jessie Spanno) went waaay slutty when she moved to Vegas and became a “dancer.”

• Dustin Diamond (aka Samuel “Screech” Powers) … vomit … sex tape … vomit.

Lesson No. 2: The JV becomes the Varsity

There are times when the B-team characters in your life can eclipse the A-team.

• Scott Wolf played a uncredited student in four episodes.  Later went on to kick ass and teen angst in Party of 5.

• Denise Richards also played an uncredited student (as well as an NBC bigwig’s daughter on Seinfeld). Later went on to break Charlie Sheen’s heart. And make out with Neve Campbell.

• Tori Spelling played Screech’s GF, Violet Anne Bickersraff (vomit) for three episodes.  Granted, her daddy Aaron Spelling was the producer, but whatever. Tori moved to 90210 with Tiffany Amber after graduation too.  (Again, Mr. Spelling’s dirty work).

• Bridget Wilson was “Ginger” for five episodes. She went on to “The Wedding Planner” (vomit) and marries Pete Sampras. The latter, is far more exciting.

• And remember when the whole gang randomly got jobs at the Malibu Sands Beach Club (well, all except Lisa Turtle. Her daddy was a guest)? Leigh Remini played Stacey Carosi, the assistant manager, and love interest for Zach. She went on to that horrid “King of Queens” show.

Lesson Nos. 3-8: Learn from your friends

• Kelly taught me to be nice to pretty people. That way you can use them to your advantage.

• Zach taught me that you could get away with anything if you’re charming.

• Lisa taught me that you CAN wear pink with orange.

• Jessie taught me to get my curls under control. That was some big fucking hair.

• A.C. taught me that even the cool kids have secrets. (Dude, his real name was Albert Clifford. For serious).

• Screech taught me … nothing. He was an annoying little bastard. And still annoys the shit out of me to this day.

Lesson No. 9: No matter what, some things just don’t make sense.

• A.C. and Zach would NEVER be friends with Screech.

• If Jessie really was the women’s lib, man-hater she claimed to be, would she really have loved A.C.?

• In the early episodes (of “Good Morning Miss Bliss,” the precursor to SBTB), Zack’s father is divorced, and he has a sister. But in later episodes of SBTB, his dad is happily married to Zack’s mom and he’s an only child.  Explain that shit to me.

• Magic is creepy. Why did the gang think Max (from the amazing eatery “the Max”) was so cool?

• Speaking of The Max, why were they always hanging out there during the day? And why were they always in the hall at school? Did they never have class? And how were they ALWAYS in the same classes? Were there only 20 students in their grade? This is the kind of crap that kept my pre-teen self up at night … I didn’t have many friends.

Lesson No. 10:  Friends Forever

• “Zach Attack” totally got it right.  Friends Foreeeeeeeeeeeever, bitches.

So, we all agree that SBTB is the best thing ever, right? Or at least the best thing ever since push-up bras.

C U Next Thursday,

SugarTits

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