Ask A Ho: Sweaty Balls

Sweaty Red Dirt Pirates,

So, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but it’s hotter than balls en fuego out there. Hotter than cutting up a jalapeño then wiping your eyes. I’ve got swass (sweaty ass, or swamp ass) like you wouldn’t believe, and rings of titty sweat and droplets of cleve nectar.

Sometimes I astonish myself with how classy I can be.

So, this weekend when you’re melting into a pile of good and bad decisions, here are some ideas on how to cool down, RDK style.

1. Drink. Seems like an obvious suggestion, and it is. But here’s a twist: try swapping out your Miller Lite for something a little more summery.

How about some Firefly sweet tea vodka. I swear baby Jesus distilled this shit himself. It’s pure sweat tea sex in my mouth.

Or if you’re a little on the feminine side, (Gravy Train?) go for a frozen bev.  There are plenty of tasty recipes here.

2. Turn on the sprinklers. Don’t you fucking laugh at me. Sprinklers are awesome. Throw on your Power Rangers swimming trunks and your Barbie one-piece and have a grand, old time.

For the old-man alternative, pull your lounge chair within range of the sprinklers and enjoy your frozen daiquiri whilst being sprinkled.

3. Freeze your undies. Self-explanatory.

4. Break into your neighbor’s pool. Oh, not like you haven’t done it before. Just be sure they’re out of town, and you’ve got a good story to tell the cops.

As an alternative to this, you can always break into that private pool where all the hot mommies hang out. Two-for-one deal there: you get the dejected mommies and the pool all in one fell swoop.

Or, if you’re a pussy, flood your front lawn and lay there like a loser.

5. Adult slip-n-slide. Yeah, think about it. Take a big fucking tarp, toss some lube on that bitch (that’s what she said) and go for it. Just watch for grass/tarp burn. That’s not fun.

6. Take your kid brother/sister or niece/nephew bowling. Sounds ghey, but if you can manage to use them as bait, you’re money. “Oh, that’s so sweet of you, hanging out with this little person. Let’s go bump nasties in the bathroom that hasn’t been cleaned in 30 years.”

Just make sure that the age difference is such that the ankle-biter isn’t mistaken for your kid. No one wants a bitch/dude with breathing baggage. I sure as hell don’t.

7. Hang around the ice cream isle. This is great. You’ll cool down with the arctic blasts coming from the freezer, you can write messages on the inside of the glass so when some unsuspecting patron opens the door for a pint of Cherry Garcia they see “for a good time call SugarTits” and best of all, you can pick up desperate fat chicks!

Seriously, they’ll be so vulnerable. Possible scenarios: they’re too fat and embarrassed to be out by a pool, they just got dumped by the boyfriend who’s studying abroad for the summer and “really wants to experience all Spain has to offer (i.e. fuck hot Spanish chicks),” or they just watched/are about to watch some vomit-inducing chick flick and think they’ll never find Mr. Right (your cue to be Mr. I’ll take advantage of you right now).

8. Check out the talent at the local mall. You loved doing it in high school, let’s be nostalgic and head back to the mall to meet up for a Aunt Annie’s pretzel, hold hands, and go to Spencer’s to check out all the crazy games and toys (which now secretly turn you on … what?).

9. Walk into a random office building and head on up to the top floor. When you’re asked what you’re doing there, say you’re the new temp. Free Internet access for the day, free air conditioning, free shitty coffee, and all the pens and Post-Its you can walk out of there with.

10.  Move all the fans in your house into your bedroom and position them toward your bed. And lie there naked.

Yea, think about it …

C U Next Thursday,

SugarTits

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