Happy (early) birthday, America!
You’re one fine bitch. You deserve to party balls-out, undergrad style. Who’s got the jello shots? Dibs on the pink ones. That is if you don’t mind, America. I can have all the pink ones? Oh, America, you’re too nice.
Oh, and I forgive you for the past eight years. I know you’ll make it up to me somehow. But let’s not get into this on your birthday. This is a day for celebration. Bust out the mitts for a game of catch. Dust off the lawn bowling set, and break out the beer pong table.
Let’s eat too much apple pie, too many hot dogs (good god, the euphemisms are endless, America. Thanks for allowing all of your signature dishes to have such a strong sexual undertone. You’re one classy broad.) and down a shit-ton of some good old American beer (I hope you understand the irony there, America).
You ready for your birthday present, America? Because I’ve been working on it a while. A lot of thought went into crafting the best effing birthday present you’ve ever seen. No, it’s way better than the raggity-ass flag that bitch Betsy Ross got you, or that ghey-ass song Frances Scott Key wrote for you.
My present? A list of the 10 hottest bitches born and raised in this fine land — in no particular order.
Note: open to amendments and suggestions.
God Bless America.
10. In honor of her name, and awesome curvs, No. 10 goes to America Ferrera; born and raised in LA.
9. Scarlet Johansson; born in NYC. Her ass in “Lost in Translation” was yummy.
8. Meghan Fox; born and raised in Tennessee. That chick is liquid sex. Dirty, don’t-take-home-to-your-mama sex.
7. Norma Jeane Baker aka Marilyn Monroe; born and raised in LA. She got to do the nasty with JFK. Lucky girl.
6. Biel and Alba. Two Jessica’s for the price of one. Not really my cup of tea, but I appreciate their talent. Alba was born in Pomona, Calif., and Biel was born in Ely, Minn.
5. The chicks from The Hills; born in L.A. and Colorado. Most are a waste of air, but they’re nice to look at.
4. Anne Hathaway; born in Brooklyn, N.Y. I have a serious girl crush on her. Would totally switch teams if she asked me to.
3. Cindy Crawford; born in DeKalb, Ill. Is there a more “all-American girl next door” than her? I SO wanted to be her growing up.
2. Me. Born in upstate New York, but saw the light and moved to Dallas at an early age. Awesome rack. Awesome all around, actually.
1. Kerry Washington; born and raised in the Bronx. Hot-ness!
Runners-Up:
Jordana Brewster; she was born in Panama, but that’s in North America, so it still kind of counts. Also hot and yummy.
Gisele Bundchen; she’s from Brazil. South America … almost counts, but soooo hot.
So, what do you think, dirty red boys and girls? Anyone else to thank America for? Any of you say Angelina Jolie, and I’m punching you in the nuts.
Happy 4th.
C U Next Thursday,
SugarTits
20 Comments Received
July 2nd, 2009 @8:52 am
This thread needs a LOT more nudity.
July 2nd, 2009 @8:57 am
Other than Anne Hathaway, who has major Big Bird Face, pretty good list. I think you underrate the two Jessicas, but they are both in my top 10.
Oh, Ryno, we run a family site here. Take your smut somewhere else.
July 2nd, 2009 @9:22 am
I’d add a few of the “middle agers” who’ve made America great for a few decades longer than these younger gals.
Demi Moore, Roswell New Mexico
Sandra Bullock, Arlington Virginia
Elizabeth Shue, Wilmington Delaware
Diane Lane, NYC
And if we are crossing borders for “American” beauties.
Salma Hayek, Mexico, has to be on the list
July 2nd, 2009 @9:30 am
Don’t speak ill of Anne Hathaway. If she offered, I’d consider a free agent status to play for the other team. Granted, I’d probably do that for anyone else on this list too.
July 2nd, 2009 @9:44 am
OkieRover has a point if your crossing the border for Gisele Bundchen, then you have to cross for Salma Hayek. That little dance she did in “From Dusk til Dawn” was so F-ing HOT!!!
I also must agree w/ SugarTits. You CAN’T speak ill of Anne Hathaway! She’s about as sluty hot girl next door as you can get. But SugarTits, you could have picked a much better pic of her. Just saying…
July 2nd, 2009 @10:03 am
America Ferrera? Really? I mean, REALLY?
July 2nd, 2009 @10:47 am
yes, REALLY.
July 2nd, 2009 @11:46 am
Assman, I think it was because of her name … that’s it.
July 2nd, 2009 @12:55 pm
If another person IMs or e-mails me asking why in the fuck America is on this list, well, something really fucking bad will happen.
July 2nd, 2009 @1:50 pm
I still want to see ST’s awesome rack!!
July 2nd, 2009 @2:48 pm
Dirt Monkey – LOL, no seriously people in my cube farm think something really funny happened.
Brown – I think you state what all men on this board truly desire, TO SEE EVERY WOMAN’S awesome rack.
July 2nd, 2009 @3:04 pm
So true Rover, but when they start braggin about ‘em, as ST has done repeatedly, I gotta call her out. Don’t even need the full frontal. Just a below-the-neck and above-the-waist shot in a two piece would suffice (for now anyway :>)). But I’m sure we’ll get some retort claiming she’s too classy a broad for that sort a thing.
July 3rd, 2009 @7:26 am
Just a below-the-neck and above-the-waist shot in a two piece would suffice
Underboob.
July 3rd, 2009 @9:47 am
Underboob, sideboob, cleavage……any of those would be just fine.
July 3rd, 2009 @5:05 pm
I’m quite confident that ST will never blog again nor answer any IMs/e-mails. Thanks, d-bags.
(Hi, ST. Call me.)
July 4th, 2009 @7:39 am
LOL, She loves the attention Dirt and you know it. I am surprised she didn’t respond at all, but I assume she’s WTing it out at a lake somewhere. But she knows we all love her, cleavage shot or no cleavage shot.
But may I follow footsteps of ST when I say “Happy Birthday America, you’re one fine bitch!” Everyone have a great day today and stay safe.
July 4th, 2009 @8:13 am
Demi Moore and Diane Lane deserve consideration.
But, for the love of God, why is American Fer… Eh fuck it. I’d still bang her while her travelling pants are around her ankles.
July 6th, 2009 @12:17 pm
Look, if one of you jiz stains can give me one good reason that America Ferrera isn’t doable, then I’ll mentally revise the list (I’m not editing my post. Fuck that, I’m too lazy).
Also, to see my knockers, you have to buy me dinner first. Or at least a shot of tequila.
September 23rd, 2009 @1:13 am
send me pictures
December 1st, 2009 @12:12 am
Kinda fucked up all your so-called hotties r basically white women. What! There can’t be a lot more color! Screw this list
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