Ask A Ho: Vacation, BITCHES!

Guess what, RDK suckers?  I’m on vacation! Working 9-5 at my day job and then 10-3 at the burlesque club children’s hospital has taken it out of me.  So, I’ve peaced out to the South Carolina coast for a FREE week of fun in the sun.  Beach all day, fresh seafood for dinner, crack open a beer with breakfast, and god willing, a hot fling.

Sounds great, right?

Here’s the catch:

It’s with my family.

Mother, Father, me, younger sister SugarBum, SugarBum’s husband, and youngest sister, RagingSlutBag.

Undoubtedly the following things will/will have already happened by the time Thursday rolls around.

1. First, we go for the undeniable.  RagingSlutBag becomes enraged with teen angst that the bartender won’t serve her, the restaurant doesn’t cook her chicken fingers JUST RIGHT, we’re out of range so she can’t text her BFF about how miserable her life is, my father won’t buy her a $300 pair of jeans, someone drank the last Diet Coke, she loses in a board game, Mom makes her wear sunscreen, a seagull shat on her head, or the wind blew her hair in her face.

RagingSlutBag then yells at all within earshot, family member or not, storms off to the room to watch Miley or who the fuck ever on the Disney Channel and calls her on-again-off-again poor shmuck of a boyfriend to tell him that her family haaaaaates her.  Oh, I can’t wait for that to happen.

2.  SugarBum and Mr. SugarBum disappear after dinner and aren’t seen again until morning. Later that evening, while I try to sleep in the adjoining room, I vomit at the sounds of … oh, God, I can’t even think it.

3.  I down one too many adult beverages on the beach and pass out.  Family thinks it would be hilarious to draw a penis on my back with SPF 900…at least it’s not my face this time…

4. Father and Brother-in-Law cockblock,  sigh …

5. Mother feels the need to go into EVERY God-forsaken antique store on the S.C. coast looking for a plate like her mother had. “No, that’s not quite right. The lamb was smiling a bit more in the one my mother had.”  “The one my mother used had this great little chip in it. This one doesn’t.”

6. We leave Mother in said antique shop and find an ice cream shop/fudge shop/bar to entertain ourselves for a few hours. Mother calls frantically looking for us 30 minutes later when she realizes we aren’t standing next to the antique toothbrushes.

7.  SugarTits, that’s me, polishes off a bottle of wine at dinner by herself (wait, that’s no different than any other day).

8.  Father threatens to castrate Mr. SugarBum daily. No, seriously. I swear to God this will happen. Father’s nickname for poor kid for the past eight years has been Penis. Fact.

9.  We play some board game after dinner, all drink too much, and I end up sharing too much.

10.  We play some board game after dinner, all drink too much, and Mother ends up sharing too much. Vomit.

But I’m hopeful. At the very least I’m guaranteed to come back with a great tan and the intimate details of how I was conceived.

C U Next Thursday,

SugarTits

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