Ask A Ho: Watch Harry Pooter Like a Man

There are a few things in life that are totally unavoidable. Like death (although I still refuse to get old. Baby Jesus and I have a deal.  I promised to only sleep with hot, heterosexual men if he would let me stay young forever … sounds like a fair trade to me. But I digress.) and taxes.

And for approximately 85 percent of you RDKers, there’s another unavoidable task awaiting you in the coming weeks. No, not a prostate exam (although I hear those are recommended for you old-balls RDKers).

Harry Potter.

Look, I flashed my Harry Potter nerd card last week so it’s no secret that I’m somewhat of a fan.

But here’s what I’m going to do for you, my beautiful Red Dirty babies.  Having seen the movie Tuesday night (no, not a midnight showing. Those are for freaks and teeny boppers and losers. And I am none of those … I hope. No, I went to some fancy-pantsy pre-screening. It helps to have friends who are cooler than you. But Voldermort’s Nipple, I digress again …) I’m going to give you the inside scoop. I’m going to show you how you can be dragged to HP by your kids/chick and still keep your man card.

You’re welcome.

1. Buy a “Man Snack” at concessions. Like a gallon of popcorn and a NON-DIET soda. No Diet Coke and a pack of Sour Patch Kids for you, my friend. No. You’ll take the tanker full of chemically flavored buttery popcorn with a week’s worth caloric intake. Oh, and throw some Milk Duds in there. Fuck yeah. Note: be sure to scratch balls while ordering and use same ball hand to eat popcorn with. Because you’re a fucking MAN.

2. Realize that the special effects are pretty bad ass. Even for a pansy-ass kid’s flick. CG fire always looks stupid and fake, but they did some bad-ass work here. Trust. And while we’re at it, the set design is amazing, the cinematography is rocking and the audio damn good.

3. Emma Watson. She’s legal (19!) and pretty damn cute. There’s a scene mid-way through the movie when she’s in a fancy dress, and you get some decent cleeve. (I feel really dirty for typing that last sentence.  Baby Jesus, please don’t strike me down).

4. Knowing that you can hold this over your kids, or your chick’s head.

Your Kids: “Go clean your room or we’re not going to see Harry Potter.”  “Hey, remember how we went to go see Harry Potter yesterday? Pick up your toys, or Voldermort will come get your ass.” If they’re older and possibly ashamed of their love for Harry: “Be home by midnight, or I’ll tell that boy you like that you cried in Harry Potter.”

Your chick: “Take off your dress, or we’re not going to see Harry Potter.”  “Make me a lasagna or I’m telling your boss you left work early to see Harry Potter. “Let me poke you with my wand.”  That last one wasn’t exactly a threat, I just couldn’t resist.

5. There’s likely to be some nice over-18 talent at the theater. If you’re lucky, they’ll be dressed up in schoolgirl outfits for the showing.

(Have you guys noticed I like lists? I may be a ho, but I like things in order. I’m a orderly ho. I also like parenthetical statements.)

And if all else fails, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and sneak into the theater next door playing Transformers. Get a Megan Fox fix, and head back to Harry Potter.

Oh, and if you’re man enough to admit you liked it, give me a call. We’ll go see it again. And NOT at the Warren … Brown.

C U Next Thursday,

SugarTits

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