I play softball and have for quite a few years on various leagues and recently my wife encouraged me to join our church league on a co-ed team. The league is made up solely with the members of our church, 18 teams total, playing on Sunday afternoon until the evening. I had not played on a co-ed team or a church team and figured, “What the hell?”
So … last Sunday we’re in a pretty tight ballgame, it’s hot and the women on our team are struggling. No biggie, it’s all just for fun. I decided to pitch since I know I’ll only hurt somebody’s feelings by playing aggressively.
It didn’t take long for the other team to figure out our weak link, the right fielder was this chubby, kind-hearted, sweet child of God simply enjoying the sight of the ball heading right toward her as she smiled and watched it fly right past her, bless her heart.
Hit after hit kept going her way and after a couple of innings I asked her if she wanted to switch positions to say … oh … catcher where a smaller, more talented, girl could cover that area. She declined and said how much she loved just being out there in the grass watching.
Instinctively, I wanted to say, “Watching? You mean free grazing looking for a damn salt lick?” I bit my tongue, but also realized I was starting to quickly build up some anger. I batted next and hit one to deep right field, clearly over their outfielders head and as I rounded first, I saw the ball land, about two feet into fair territory and heard the umpire … assistant pastor umpire, mind you … yell out, “Foul Ball!!” I started to drop an F-bomb and quickly recovered with a “FFFFFFFF—FFFFFF—oul ball. Oh well … I’ll try again.”
Something inside me wanted to just let loose a torrent of filthy words, and I’m not usually the type of guy to curse that often it just seemed that not really being able to curse made it even more difficult NOT to.
After the game, which we lost 7-6, I hopped up in my truck with the doors closed, getting ready to drive away and saw the right fielder walking and just uncorked and let out a “Get to your car, you fat fucking fat cow, fat unmovable stump, for a trip to fucking Baskin Robbins to eat some shitty-ass fucking ice cream so you can be 10 fucking pounds fucking fatter for next week.” She sees me, but can’t hear me and she smiles and waves and I smile back and wave.
Can’t wait for next week.
18 Comments Received
July 16th, 2009 @12:42 pm
For those of you don’t know, Shane Falco was one of the original RDK writers. And now he’s back … apparently with more hostility than ever.
Say “hi” to your wife for me.
July 16th, 2009 @1:20 pm
I hear ya. Co-ed indoor soccer use to drive me nuts. It’s men’s only for me these days. I shouldn’t have to worry about someone crying just because I intentionally aimed my free kick at their face.
July 16th, 2009 @1:42 pm
I played co-ed a long time ago with chicks who could really play. This time, I just put my name on a sign in sheet and ended up with Oompa Loompa’s and women who are “trying to lose the baby weight”, yet the only kid I see is their 10 year old eating a candy bar.
July 16th, 2009 @1:45 pm
Church league…
I filled in for a team in church coed in Norman town this year. I was once, moderately athletic and a former “A” leaguer. There are no “A” league teams in Norman now. In the 8 years since retirement, I know one thing, I cannot play at the same level as I once did. But even as bad as I was that night, they asked me back for next year.
Do I miss the competition of high league softball, sure. But I don’t miss the over testosteroned steroid monkeys who think they are God’s gift to the sport.
You have to just play “your best” and hope you inspire others to dig down and do the same.
July 16th, 2009 @1:53 pm
I already inspire people, just by being me. I wonder if I should casually ask her to maybe think about quitting or throw a big sandwich on another field to distract her. Hmmmm…
July 16th, 2009 @1:55 pm
Man, where ST and MK to defend their genders honor here? I played ball in high school and softball for several years after and would love to now, just don’t know anyone who has a team together. So if anyone ever needs a fill in, lemme know. Falco, I so know where you’re at!!
July 16th, 2009 @2:06 pm
When and where is the next game, I really want to see this!
July 16th, 2009 @2:31 pm
LOL, try the sandwich first just to avoid the damaging of feelings and self worth!
July 16th, 2009 @2:31 pm
I think a hidden camera is in order.
July 16th, 2009 @2:38 pm
I’ll try to snap a picture and put it up after the next game if she’s there.
July 16th, 2009 @2:51 pm
Hopefully we will see some mustard stains on her lip, and maybe a chili drip on her mom-jeans.
July 16th, 2009 @2:57 pm
It seems we’ve made the turn from my cursing, to mocking the fat girl. You sick son’s of bitches.
July 16th, 2009 @3:10 pm
I need better direction of whom I’m to mock, por favor.
July 16th, 2009 @4:10 pm
Wrap the ball in bacon or puff pastry and say hello to your new outfield MVP.
July 16th, 2009 @4:13 pm
Dude, you should have beaned the next asshole who purposely hit it to the fat girl. Just rear back and plunk ‘em. Or taken out the pitcher when you were up. That would have put an ending to the wry actions of your opponents.
I fucking hate those dickhead co-eders who hit it to the girl on purpose.
July 16th, 2009 @4:15 pm
Pay the other teams pitcher to beam her next time she’s at bat. Or you can play center field and setup a good fly ball collision. Either way, problem solved for the season.
July 16th, 2009 @4:47 pm
Let’s just have her offed. You guys think too much.
July 17th, 2009 @3:32 pm
The crew at my day job thought it’d be a great idea to sign up for a co-ed team too.
Mind you, my idea of playing softball is yelling at the other team, drinking beer and trying to distract the batter by shaking my boobies.
I wasn’t aloud to do any of those things last night. I was shipped out to right field where i belonged.
Leave A Reply