Sleeping In

Who is this “Moses” guy, and why is he trying to do movie reviews in the comment sections of completely unrelated posts? And why is Dirt Monkey encouraging him? Someone must bring order to this place. Known for such journalistic achievements as WMW, Ask A Ho, and DBFOTW, RDK is a publication of note, and it should be treated as such. To continue that tradition, I bring you the debut of Sleeping In — the French toast of interweb columns.

Revenge of the Failing

The Decepticons have an incredibly powerful slut-making program.

Transformers Deuce may go down as the worst, yet most successful, move ever. On Friday night, I shelled out $14 to see it on one of AMC’s half-ass IMax screens (I refuse to believe those are real IMAX screens, especially with the Windows 98 screen saver demo before the movie). I must admit, that was $14 well spent … as long as you have the ability to revert to a 7-year-old state of mind.

Revenge of the Fallen is sure to be on the nominee list for this year’s Golden Raspberry awards (who may want to add an “Enemy Scrotum” award). Even though it had a Dark Knight-ish opening weekend, it dropped back to reality on word-of-mouth and a 19 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. I actually think anyone going to see it next weekend are just the type of people that slow down to gawk at a horrific auto accident.

Whether or not you’ve seen TROTF, I demand you read the F.A.Q over at Topless Robot. Yes, it is full of spoilers, but in a movie with almost no hint of a plot, does it really matter? It will probably give you something to laugh at, because you damn sure won’t be laughing at the “jokes” in the movie. The Topless Robot F.A.Q. contains such gems as:

How does the U.S. military help them [the Autobots]?
Well, not at all, actually. They just kind of come along with guns and stuff, and act like they’re going to help, but the Autobots do all the work.

Why is the U.S. military in this movie at all, then?
Because Michael Bay has a huge erection for jets and tanks and aircraft carriers and considers giant robots only a necessary evil for the film. At least 15 full minutes of the film’s 150-minute run time is nothing but footage of jets and tanks and planes without any robots or actual action whatsoever.

So how do the Decepticons plan to get the symbols, I guess?
Well, the Decepticons have very cunningly created a hot chick robot who they enrolled in the same college and put in the same astronomy class as Sam. And they made her a huge slut.

Wait.
Waiting.

There’s a slutty Decepticon?
Yeah, she’s a real ho. The Decepticons apparently have an incredibly powerful slut-making program, because she has it down, man. Anyways –

A lot was made of how Shia the Beef’s hand injury was written into the film. How was this done?
Well, sometimes Shia had a huge bandage on his hand, and sometimes he didn’t.

That doesn’t sound “written in” at all.
Well, no actual words are used to explain it. It might be more accurate to say it “shows up sometimes.”

Could you sum up the film in one line of its dialogue?
“I am standing directly beneath the enemy’s scrotum.”

That’s just a sample. I recommend reading the entire “review.”

Don’t Sleep On …

What a dick. Cavendish wins Stage 3.

Tour de France: The Return of Lance

The Versus channel is usually equivalent to a tree falling in the woods, but I’ll be watching for the next three weeks as Lance Armstrong rides for charity. I’ve never really watched The Tour before, so why have I been hooked since the first stage on July 4th? It might be the fact that I’m riding my own bike more often while Brady and I recover from ACL surgery. Though riding 20 miles on a paved bike path doesn’t really translate to 100-plus miles through the Alps.

More likely is that Versus does a damn fine job with their broadcast. The Versus HD picture is amazing, whether they’re showing the breathtaking scenery, the determination on a riders face as they sprint to the finish, or blood.

It might be annoying to more knowledgeable fans, but they do a great job of explaining the intricacies of the race. Understanding what a “peloton” is, the meaning of the polka-dot jersey, and the importance of the teams makes the viewing much more interesting. The broadcast team keeps things lively with British commentator Phil Liggett and his “Liggettisms.”

Monday’s Stage 3 was very dramatic with one team taking advantage of some crazy cross-winds on a late-race curve to fly away from the main group (or peloton). Lance Armstrong was able to recognize the move and convince two of his own Astana teammates to help him stay with the leaders.

Cancellara (current yellow jersey holder) had to jump a median to keep up. Lance was able to move up from 10th to 3rd, overall, just ahead of Astana teammate Alberto Contador. Some are considering Lance’s move a revolt, saying he should have helped pull Contador to the front, also. The 7-time winner may be riding for free, but he sure isn’t acting like it. On the subject of who should be considered the Astana team leader, Lance commented,

“I won the Tour seven times. I think I deserve a little bit of credit.”

And on the opportunity that he and a few others took advantage of when the lead pack broke away,

“… it doesn’t take a genius to know you gotta be there.”

The drama continues on Tuesday with the return of the team time trials for stage 4. Lance’s Astana team is favored to win. If that happens, there is a very good chance that Armstrong will be wearing the familiar yellow jersey for stage 5. With 18 stages left, it’s not too late to get in on the action. Check out Versus.com for videos and updates.