Weekend Warriors — What Men Watch

1) Caddyshack, Friday 7 p.m., AMC. Why did Danny Noonan’s girlfriend in this movie have a British accent? Maybe she was a foreign exchange student whose parents made her work during her vacation ‘cross the pond.

My mom was a foreign exchange student when she was in high school. No shit — she went to Columbia. She stayed with a family on a “farm” outside of  Bogota. She said some nice boy whose family was rich and had all this land was always asking her over for dinner. So in reality, I could have been Pablo Escobar’s love child.

2) AVP Crocs Tour Women’s Final, Saturday, 3:30 p.m., NBC. There were times when I spent most of my summer around females who wore bikinis on a daily basis. Good-looking girls. Girls that could fill out said bikinis at one of the University Commons pool-side tanning areas.

Now my summers are spent getting a fat daddy farmer’s tan while flirting with the 18-year-old beer cart chick who is praying I’ll forget my change on that $20 I gave her for two Banquet Beers. I spend my summers trying to avoid the outside as much as possible (see Ass, Swamp). I lament June through August. So when I see something like a women’s volleyball match on TV, you can bet your Aunt Suzie’s ass I’ll be watching.

3) The Bourne Supremacy, Saturday, 5 p.m. ,TNT. As previously mentioned, the best trilogy ever made. Yes, better than Star Wars, you dorks. There is nothing about any of these movies that sucks. They only thing that does such about the final Bourne movie is that it is the final Bourne movie.

Jason Bourne and I are a lot alike. We both are well-versed in hand-to-hand combat. We have several identities. We bang hot ass. We never lose our cool despite being chased by professional assassins. And we are both fictional characters.

4) Cubs at Rockies, Saturday, 7 p.m. MLBTV. Has this team finally put it together? We (meaning the Cubs) are leading the Central by percentage points, which is saying something considering those gheys from St. Louis have acquired Mark DeRosa and Matt Holliday over the past few weeks, and we’ve grabbed a decent reliever plus a guy who couldn’t make it in the Pirates rotation.

This little run is probably more of a reflection on who we’ve played the past couple of weeks — Washington, Florida and Cincinnati. Not that the Rockies are exactly the ‘27 Yankees, but they do have a better record than the Cubs and it would be nice to continue this decent road trip with a series win in Denver. Of course, the eternal optimist that I am leads me to believe …

Rocks in a sweep. :(

5) Pulp Fiction, Sunday, 7 p.m., AMC. I don’t have to tout the greatness that is Pulp Fiction. Funny. Crass. Legendary. Brilliant. I am more curious as to how this movie is going to be rerun on AMC.

The television guide notes it will run three hours. No fucking way. If AMC cuts out all the swearing and the violence, there is no fucking way this movie runs more than 35 minutes. Must be all the commercials for Avadart and the Swiffer Wetjet. Which, by the way, sounds like an office supply for a porn set.