Holy shitballs! In a mere 3 days the Sooners will have a go at the BYU Cougars at JerryWorld in Arlington.
Oops.
Hold on.
Alright, back with fresh panties. Thanks for waiting. Anyway, I have great news. Because during my recent visit to the holy land, I discovered 5 reasons OU will destroy the Stormin’ Mormons.
In no particular order they are:
1. Everything about BYU is lame.
Surprise! BYU students and fans were named “most stone-cold sober” in the country by the Princeton Review for the 12th year in a row. Luckily, this Saturday, the booze will flow like wine in the general concessions areas through halftime and those lucky bastards in the club areas and suites can spend the entire game getting sloppy, dirty, SugarTits drunk. Well, at least the OU fans will. Here’s my prediction for how the beverage consumption will go.
Seriously, why do Mormons love Jell-O so much? Does anyone know? And I swear on your mother’s grave, when I was in the local grocery store I witnessed a 35-year old woman pick herself up a 6-pack of O’Doul’s and had to hold back laughter.
2. Brigham Young was an asshole and God wants revenge.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to explain what Boomer Sooner means, what a Sooner is and why we’re so fucking awesome. So if you’re going to the game (I hate you), do me a solid and ask a BYU fan about the Mountain Meadows Massacre. You know, when Brigham Young ordered the killing of 120 emigrants who were supposedly against the church, then was later pardoned by the government.
3. Our players aren’t 26. Or married.
By the time Saturday rolls around, most of the Cougars will have spent two years off teaching pygmies about Joseph Smith, found a submissive female Mo’ to get sealed to in the secret clubhouse Temple and started producing strong male offspring to carry on the priesthood. God, I wish I were making this shit up.
At least the happy couples can live on campus! I was going to include a sweet campus housing commercial here, but much like a everything else, embedding is frowned upon by the church. I vomited in my mouth at :16.
4. Campus life blows harder than the third wife every other Tuesday.
Because of its ridiculous culty religious affiliations, BYU enforces a strict Honor Code for its students. I think I signed some sort of academic honor code at OU saying I wouldn’t cheat on exams or something but Mo’ code is just ridiculous. And I wouldn’t obey that code either.
A few of the things BYU students CAN’T do:
- Drink coffee
- Wear sleeveless shirts
- Grow a sweet beard
- Participate in mixed gender camping trips
- Look at porn
- Walk around barefoot
- Curse
5. Uh, we’re better.
This goes without saying but nobody in the land of Zion will admit it. I had a local Mo’ try to tell me that Utah should’ve been ranked first in the preseason polls because they finished the 2008 season as the nation’s only undefeated team. I then emasculated him to the best of my ability and went on my merry way humming the fight song. Basically, Utah is chock full of ignorant, holier than thou assholes. And I can’t wait for this weekend.
BOOMER SOONER!
23 Comments Received
September 2nd, 2009 @11:52 am
i’d be offended for using my drunkosity as a litmus test by which to judge other drunkies…but i’m too honored.
oh, and i’m drinking coffee, looking at porn, planning a boy-on-girl camping trip AND saying “fuck fuck fuck” right now.
take that, Mos!
September 2nd, 2009 @11:54 am
you forgot to mention that you have a big girl job AND no kids. that’s just as bad as cursepornbearding to them.
September 2nd, 2009 @2:43 pm
No walking barefoot? That’s crazy talk!
And my new offseason hobby: “Cursepornbearding.”
September 2nd, 2009 @3:40 pm
you forgot to mention how they WONT be drinking any Boone’s, but I guess that goes without saying.
and as for not being allowed to grow beards…does it count if girls are given “abe lincolns?” because that’s a dealbreaker.
September 2nd, 2009 @5:42 pm
As a celebration of our victory I’m going to rent a really big plane, load up its sweet cargo bay with porn, beards, beads (the kind for your ass), sex toys, Dr. Pepper, gay porn, gayer porn, prostitutes, disembodied bare feet, disembodied bear feet and a dead guy that looks A LOT like Steve Young — ad then drop all that shit right onto BYU’s quad.
Yeah, that’s right. They’ve got a quad.
September 2nd, 2009 @10:51 pm
OU LICKS MONKEYBALLS!
September 2nd, 2009 @11:10 pm
5 Reasons Why Nobody Cares:
(in no particular order)
1. It’s BYU…Don’t be fooled…People are coming to see JerryWorld.
2. Football is the only thing the state of oklahoma can brag about. Texas let you borrow the sport to deter you from screwing farm animals and marrying your cousins. With the imbred tones in this blog it is apparent that those kinds of things are still happening. I AM TERMINATING THE LEASE.
3. MORE SUPPORT FOR POINT #2: All of your schools big games are played in Texas. Enjoy bragging about how great your football team is but your sending the checks back to the Lonestar State. Don’t believe me…check out our highways
4. Nobody really cares what boomer sooner means. The idea for you fight song was borrowed. Just like the sport of football.
5. It’s BYU…
September 3rd, 2009 @9:33 am
Your reasons are boring. Texas should spend less time worrying about Oklahoma and more time making sure none of their students get back in that clock tower.
September 3rd, 2009 @9:43 am
drocolate, that may be the best comment I’ve ever seen on RDK. Well done.
Monkeyballs, you suck at talking smack.
September 3rd, 2009 @9:56 am
2 Reasons why it’s obvious Monkeyballs cares:
1. He took time out of his day to find an OU football blog and post a one liner that most 3rd graders wouldn’t find amusing.
2. He then sat back and thought about it for a good 10 minutes encouraging himself to think of something “better than that” and then posted a novel about why “nobody cares”!
You just go and enjoy your excitement filled non-conference schedule of LA-Monroe, Wyoming, UTEP, and CFU. LOL, and you all wonder why you lose out in three way tiebreakers!!
September 3rd, 2009 @10:25 am
Brown, you couldn’t be more correct.
And $100 says Monkeyballs really graduated from Austin Community College, if anywhere.
September 3rd, 2009 @3:49 pm
$100 he graduated from University of Lawnmower or Weed whacker Community College like the majority of Texas “fans”
September 3rd, 2009 @5:34 pm
Monkeyballs, I actually think JerryWorld has nothing to do with why people are coming to this game. Sooner fans roll out for the team. Your #1 and #5 reasons are pretty similar, and lack substance.
Although I would love to watch you get ‘pink socked’, I thought the Texas highway comment was a good burn. Oklahoma streets blow….almost as much as Creed
September 3rd, 2009 @11:37 pm
“2. Football is the only thing the state of oklahoma can brag about. Texas let you borrow the sport to deter you from screwing farm animals and marrying your cousins. With the imbred tones in this blog it is apparent that those kinds of things are still happening. I AM TERMINATING THE LEASE.”
Yet sooooo many Texas students flock to OU for school every year…
September 4th, 2009 @12:02 pm
I sat here reading these comments with mr. Monkeyballs himself. We had ourselves a good laugh. Personally I dint think this whole entry was needed. I mean, most of the comments are about OU and Texas. Not BYU. Let’s save our writing skills for an actual team that’s worthy of smack talk.
And I admire your passion of hatred for creed. Most people today don’t really care about anything but beer and sports. Cheers to sterotypes and judgmental assholes!
Signed,
a sooner fan
September 4th, 2009 @2:26 pm
With arms wide open, thanks for calling what I drunkenly type in this thing “writing skills.” I’ve already called my mom to brag. And my post didn’t contain anything Texas related, it was Monkeyballs that started that whole thing. Just jump on the BYU bashing train and everything will be alright.
“Most people today don’t really care about anything but beer and sports. Cheers to sterotypes and judgmental assholes!” – yay hypocrisy!
September 4th, 2009 @6:56 pm
Again: “most of the comments” not the post itself contained comments about UT.
It wasn’t a compliment when I said you had writing skills. Next time let’s not brag about how you wrote this “awesome” BYU bashing post while drunk. It’s not flattering. Not even for us Sooners.
Stay classy Normanland.
September 4th, 2009 @9:17 pm
Are you sure you’re an OU fan? Because I recall getting my student ID but not the stick up the ass that you apparently received.
And I was kidding about being drunk when I wrote the post. But I’m drunk right now. That probably doesn’t help my case much, huh?
September 5th, 2009 @11:20 pm
1. Everything about BYU is lame.
So everything about BYU is lame and then you talked about why OU fans are better because they drink.
Maybe you need to visit the campus and walk around for a few hours and then come back for another try at this statement.
I would explain more but I really don’t want to offend your other OU fans. They probably feel their school and campus are great and I am sure they are. Sorry they had to read your mindless ideas here.
2. Brigham Young was an asshole and God wants revenge.
So what does this statement have to do with football?
Brigham Young was a prophet. When you pass into the next life you will learn this. If you want to learn about how good Brigham Young was let me know and I can help you understand more.
3. Our players aren’t 26. Or married.
Maybe your players should be 26 and married. You were beat by a bunch of old married men. Maybe you secretly want to have the priesthood. We could fix that. Send me an email and we can talk. byufan78@yahoo.com
4. Campus life blows harder than the third wife every other Tuesday.
What do you know about BYU campus life. I think your proud of the fact that you have no code beyond not getting caught. Great. OU should be proud.
5. Uh, we’re better. (What? Are you?)
Actually Zion is in Texas. And Zion could be in Oklahoma for you, but I wonder why you took so much pride in your attacks on a school and culture that provides nothing but good.
I won’t defend Utah because I don’t really care about defending a State. Who cares. I did enjoy this weekend. Sorry about your weekend. Don’t hurt yourself.
BYU FAN
September 14th, 2009 @4:25 pm
14-13
14-13
14-13
14-13
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAH
Maybe Joseph Smith was right!!
September 18th, 2009 @12:50 pm
HAHA, you’re obviously a Texas fan. Find a new schtick.
October 6th, 2009 @12:13 am
I don’t see any shit talking on BYU now. Sure, they got killed by an inferior FSU team but they are still looking better than OU a few weeks into the season. 2 losses thus far for OU, way to go!
February 2nd, 2010 @10:03 pm
byu is the best school in the world i love you guys i do so mutch
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