Ask A Ho: Football Blue Balls

Wait, so you’re telling me this weekend our Sooners have a bye? What in the monkey-loving hell? Bye weeks are the blue balls of the football season.  Seriously. You get all excited from the action of last weekend, and the bye weekend rolls around and you’re left completely unsatisfied.

Damn you, football blue balls!

All week I’ve been wondering what to do with my blue balls this weekend.  I really don’t want to regress to preseason depression and self-loathing. I don’t know that I can stomach another pint of Ben and Jerry’s Half Baked as I watch Princess Bride on repeat.

And if my girly-girl friends drag me to one more eurotrash dance club or a super -trendy lounge I’ll jump off the roof of my house (it’s only 2 floors, so I doubt it will do much damage.
But I feel like the point I’m trying to prove is important enough).

So, what do I do with myself this weekend sans tailgating, sans appropriate
public intox and sans hitting on undergrads?

One obvious answer is to find a surrogate team to get excited about this weekend. I can always find it in my heart to cheer against OSU, A&M and UT.

But it’d be perfect if Miami would eat poo balls this weekend at Virgina Tech and we could do a fancy touchdown dance over their asses to move up in the polls. But the downside: the residual rage that we could possibly face next weekend at Miami. Mama doesn’t want to lose at Miami. I may cry. And not cute, cinematic crying where tears gently roll down my face, but ugly sobbing. No one wants to see that.

I would normally make my SMU Law alum roommate take me as a plus-one to the SMU Boulevard (fancy-pants tailgate) to hit on undergrad SMU dudes, but it’s a bye weekend for them too! Can a girl not catch a break!?

But I’m worried if I don’t do something to keep my beer tolerance growing to optimal tailgating boozehound, I’ll slide back to my lightweight state. And that’s a shit show that should never be seen.

So, for a weekend, I could shift my football boner to pro football, but that doesn’t hold the special place in my CROTCH heart that Big 12 football does.

… looks like I’ll be sitting on the sofa in my PJs watching princess bride with Ben and Jerry after all (with a 6-pack, of course, so I can keep my tolerance in check). Unless one of you yahoos can suggest something better.

C U Next Thursday,

SugarTits

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