Jackasstastic Picks O’ the Week

Last Week: 1-3

Season: 8-16

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Do you see that record?! I quit.

And you may be wondering what that picture of Sasha Cohen has to do with college football. The answer is nothing. Sweet, beautiful nothing.

Condoms at the Catholics (+10.0)

I remember two specific things about College Football Live this week, which incidentally is one of the worst shows on ESPN (and that’s saying something). First? Charlie Weis claiming that this was the first year his team felt as if they could really beat USC. Impressive coaching there, Snapple lady. Attaway to get your guys motivated. Attaway to instill some confidence in your players. This guy is to genius as Dirt Monkey is to genius.

Second? Some jackass former quarterback for San Jose State called Jimmy Clausen the Lebron James of football. Let that sink in for a moment.

USC 34

ND 10

The Techs (Va Tech giving 3)

It seems like Georgia Tech is always playing someone who is ranked. Miami. And other teams I don’t remember. I think people who graduate from Georgia Tech are smart. I don’t know anything about people from Virginia Tech, except for the Vicks. Which pretty much means the Hokies don’t have that many smart folks.

But they do have a good defense.

Hokies by a dozen.

Tigers at the Pokes (-7.0)

My wife is from Missouri. My in-laws are from Missouri. Most of my wife’s immediate and extended family roots for the Tigers. Makes you wonder what they did for the decades prior to the Brad Smith/Chase Daniel experiment.

I was stuck in Arizona last year for the OU/Texas game. It wasn’t that bad. Except that I didn’t watch the game live, I completely melted down on a desert golf course in more ways than one, and I was stuck watching the Mizzou/OSU game with a bunch of drunk Missouri transplants. Which is like watching a football game in the lobby of a Best Western.

OSU 35

MU 27

Hottie Matchup

Representing the University of Alabama

Sela Ward

Sela is old. And by old, I mean she is 6 years younger than my mother, who has been old since the ’90s. Here’s the deal, though — Sela was a ‘Bama cheerleader and homecoming queen.

And she was a Chi Omega. Which means if I went to Alabama in the ’70s, she would have wanted my cock. Because that’s what Chi-O’s want with me. No friendship. No shoulder to lean on. Just a quick snack in the sack. Ask Dirt Monkey. He will confirm that all Chi-O’s want El Cockus de Train.

Representing the University of South Carolina

Lauren Michelle Hill

Yes! Another cheerleader from the south. This one, though, didn’t become Dr. Quinn the medicine women, or anything like that. She dragged her hot little 100-pound body to California and got naked for Playboy.

See, this is a role model for all you hot little college girls. Don’t worry about majoring in marketing, or pharmaceutical sales, or fashion, Or whatever. Just get naked for me and the rest of humanity.

Sela is a hot 50-year-old. She wins.