Red Dirt Snow Babies,
Something horrendous and disgusting is happening. Something that, as a protective older sister, makes me want to call up Michael Vick, buy a pack of rabid fighting dogs and let them loose on a particular someone.
Or better yet, find a real-life Buffalo Bill, offer to dig the creepy bastard a hole, buy him a tub of lotion and throw this certain someone down the dick-tucker’s hole.
OR I’ll call up Carrot Top, Dom DeLuise (post mortem, obv. It’s creepier this way) and David Spade and suggest we’re filming a new pilot for FX where B-list (ok, let’s be honest, D-list) stars surprise an un-expecting target and beat the everliving Christ out of him.
So, what’s forced me into a downward spiral of rage and violence?
My little sister is dating a creeper.
You remember my little sister RagingSlutBag, right?
Well, she’s 7 years younger than me, and a sophomore at that OTHER Oklahoma school (that makes her 19, for those of you counting at home).
And the boy she’s dating?
He’s MY AGE. Yes, a 26-year-old is dating a 19-year-old. Other than the blatantly obvious and stomach-churning reasons he may want to date a baby, I don’t get it!
T
hey met this past summer when she was working at J. Crew. Yes, he works at J.Crew. God, not that there’s anything wrong with working in retail. I’ve done it, and as someone who’s been tortured close to death with folding and refolding the motherfucking Denim Wall for three strait summers, I have the utmost respect for anyone who can do that and not kill every single customer who walks in the store and fucks up the perfectly stacked Denim Wall.
But I digress. It’s not his job that makes me want to punch this kid’s balls into his face — don’t know the physics of how I’ll do it just yet — or the fact that he didn’t go to school. Or that he lives with his dad. Or that he wears jeans that are way too tight. Or that I think he really may be gay. Or that he’s told my sister that he has “hundreds of thousands of dollars in the bank.”
Or that they’re “in love. Real love. You don’t know love. You’ve never been in love. This is it! You just don’t understand. He’s better than you think. He drives racecars and he is an interior decorator, and he gave tours in South America after high school because he didn’t want to go to college and be like everyone else. You don’t understand. He’s going to take me to Austin for New Years, and we’re IN LOVE.”
I can forgive most of that bullshit that makes me want to burn all of the heart-shaped candies and balloons and furry teddy bears and romantic comedies in a bonfire 90 times as big as the bullshit Aggie bon fire.
It’s the fact that he’s TWENTY SIX and dating a NINETEEN-year-old.
So, Red Dirt friends, what do I do? Do I let this run it’s course, or pull a super-secret, super-awesome crazy diabolical sabotage plot on these motherfuckers?
C U Next Thursday,
SugarTits
Come on, twitter me, baby. ST_RedDirtKings. Ooh, twitter me again.
18 Comments Received
December 3rd, 2009 @9:44 am
Let it run its course….but start writing the greatest “I told you so speach” ever.
December 3rd, 2009 @10:11 am
Sabotage plot, obviously! I’ll help. Maybe you can start by challenging your sister to demand a Christmas gift that is not from JCrew. If he’s got that many dead presidents in his bank account, he doesn’t need an employee discount…
December 3rd, 2009 @10:23 am
This is so obvious. Since DM has repetetively detailed yours and MK’s casual morality, I assume you have several girlfriends who walk the same path. Kind of a “bird of a feather” type thing. Ask or pay one of them to hit on, seduce, or get all cougarish on the 26 year old and see if he pulls a Tiger. If so, provide your lil sis with some evidence and she’ll drop his ass. If he stays true, then let it run its course
December 3rd, 2009 @10:34 am
Well first of all your sister is attending the “OTHER Oklahoma school” & needs to have the fear of God put in her for that. I thought friends/family don’t let friends/family attend the “OTHER Oklahoma school”. There has to be a rule about that somewhere (written or unwritten)!
Second, Creeper works at J.Crew & wears jeans that are way too tight. So your assessment of him, that he really may be gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that!!!) is right on.
I vote for a bitter nasty super-secret, super-awesome crazy diabolical sabotage breakup plot on these motherfuckers!!!
And ST do RagingSlutBag a favor & have a come to Jesus meeting with her about attending the “OTHER Oklahoma school”…
December 3rd, 2009 @10:48 am
1) Props to him for landing some 19 yo trim
2) My issue isn’t the age so much as this dude sounds like an uber douchebag
3) People who use the term uber are usually d-bags
December 3rd, 2009 @11:55 am
I’m wondering if a 26 year old
working at J Crew
who has never gone to college and doesn’t plan to and
claims he’s got bank
has enough motivation to commit to a relationship. And more specifically, a relationship your sister would not wind up being the primary bread winner in?
Be prepared to hear the drivel about his plans to “some day open his own store, he’s got a lots of great ideas”. Or my favorite “to open a surf shop” or some other such nonsense “we’ll just get a place at the beach, cheap”. Have you ever been to this magical beach where the laws of business and banking don’t apply and housing is cheap and plentiful? Neither have I.
Where’s that demotivational poster? despair.com
http://despair.com/delusions.html
Yeah, that hits the spot.
Let us all keep the perspective that her frame of reference is that of a 19 year old. I have an 18 year old, who doesn’t understand the laws of banking or business or even physics for that matter. Thank the (diety of your choice) they are young and not as cynical as us “older folks”.
December 3rd, 2009 @12:27 pm
Fact: If you have bank, you don’t work at all.
I wonder if the J. Crew employment is part of his plan to, “not be like everyone else?”
December 3rd, 2009 @12:37 pm
Tad, you’re right. He’s a rich, walks-the-earth, all-talk, stick-it-to-the-man dreamer, yet he works at J Crew?
Someone give me RagingSlutBag’s cell number, because I’m a race car driver and a dinosaur tamer.
December 3rd, 2009 @1:11 pm
Did she realize she “loved him” on the second or third time he bought booze for her and her friends. I’m trying to take notes.
December 3rd, 2009 @1:25 pm
Tad: I believe it was the 3rd time he bought them a pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
DM: you stay away from this one. For your own safety. I’m fairly positive J. Crew has given her a few stds
as pointed out by TheDue’s hubs: He didn’t go to school because he didn’t want to be like everyone else, duh. I mean in America 27% of people have 4 year degrees, and he didn’t want to be like them (aka everyone else)
as suggested by another friend: start sending him gifts from anonymous gifts like porn, a crate of champagne and some blow
December 3rd, 2009 @2:23 pm
The “normal older sisters with crazy slutty younger sister” support group will be meeting at the bar for discussion of how to get rid of the awkward creepers who could end up at their family holiday festivities.
December 3rd, 2009 @3:03 pm
ST,
Don’t you realize that the porn, champagne, and blow are staples of the 26 year old “rich” dude’s lifestyle? That’s like a Tuesday night for those guys.
Now if you want to paint him gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that), then I’d suggest bottles of white wine, a Neiman Marcus credit card in his name, and a signed shirtless picture of Matthew “alright alright alright” McConaughey (or two).
Just spitballing here…
December 3rd, 2009 @3:46 pm
C’mon, Liz, we all know you like to get slutty too.
December 3rd, 2009 @5:56 pm
Tad: so he’s just working at J Crew for the (close to) underage poonanni?
December 3rd, 2009 @6:10 pm
No, I’m guessing he’s just a loser that claims to be rich and is definitely deserving of your wrath and our lampooning.
Your poor sister has just fallen for the act. (Insert frown face) She’ll figure it out.
(Short side note: this has been the sloooowest work day ever and this thread has been the best part of my day. Thanks guys!)
December 3rd, 2009 @6:41 pm
Hold up.
1. Do I need to bang this guy?
2. Think I can get a free sweater out of the deal?
December 3rd, 2009 @7:01 pm
1. Obviously
2. Probably
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