Media Release: RDK Sex Scandal

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

DALLAS — December 2, 2009 – As many of you have figured out — and likely the reason you’re still here — RDK, Inc. “employs” some morally casual slutty women. So much so, any blogger who writes for RDK can pretty much have their way with either SugarTits or Mattress Kitten. It’s true (no matter what they say).

Well, the sex god that I am, things got a little heated over the weekend. Some OU message boards and local media caught wind that I was romantically involved with both of them. Real feelings were hurt. SugarTits, fueled by that Italian passion, started going through my phone and found texts, e-mails and voice messages to and from Mattress Kitten.

After a weekend accident (I won’t go into details), I was forced to withdraw from Saturday’s Bedlam tailgate. But now the media has somehow received a voicemail I left Mattress Kitten. Instead of hiding and waiting for this scandal to blow over, I’m just going to go ahead and post the transcript here.

“Hey, this is Monkey. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please, um, take your name off your phone? SugurTits went through my phone and may be calling you. So, if you can, please take your name off that and, um, just have it as a number on the voicemail. Just have it as your telephone number, OK? You’ve got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Alright, bye.”

I’ve come clean, RDK. No more trysts with weekly bloggers — or in MK’s case, quarterly. No more sexting. No more banana-fueled chick-swaps. No more. Just let me handle this with my friends and family so I can one day be at top of blogging and tailgating. And awesome YouTubing. And being the Dirt Monkey that you’ve all come to know and love. Pray for me.

Respectfully,

Dirt Monkey
Founder & CEO of Awesomeness
Red Dirt King Empire